JWIN (Just What I Needed)

She came home yesterday, a little dachshund mix, all of ten pounds,and nine months old. My wife has wanted something to replace her cat, which died more than a year ago. She named her JWIN, an acronym for "just what I needed." She is definitely charming, and has beautiful, soulful eyes and the ability to bond so fast that she seems like she definitely belongs here.
I took her out for her first walk, and I could imagine that we were a sight. A big 350 pound, six foot two, black dude with a black leather jacket, walking a dog a small as most cats, on a pink leash, has to look funny. I knew it and did not really care, we were having a good time, JWIN and I. At least I did not put her little pink coat on, but I felt bad about not doing so when I saw her shivering. I am not a sentimental person, and for some odd reason, I do not do well even with the concept of letting myself be vulnerable. I did not however, like to have that dog out in the cold, shivering. I decided to press on for another ten minutes, so she could really get a feel for the sights and sounds of our neighborhood.

I often think that my wife wants me to share my emotions with her as if I were one of her girlfriends. I am just not cut like that, but that dog brings out a little more mush in me, than I am comfortable sharing with any creature that could repeat what they saw. Just like I did not mean to get misty-eyed when I talked with a wonderful grandparent, raising her grandson, about how I could feel his pain at not being able to read as well as his peers. I either had to get a tissue and wipe my eyes, or let the tear fall. It was a devils choice for someone who does not want to be perceived as soft, but I went for the tissue.

I know that my wife considers me to be a closed person, I do too. Finding true understanding within a marriage has been infinitely more difficult that I ever imagined. Now we are like so many millions of other folks, worried that the other shoe will drop at any moment, and security will become just a meaningless word. I don't have to tell many people the stress that financial worries put on a relationship. Maybe when she named our little pooch JWIN, she was referring to just what I needed. For all I know, somehow, maybe JWIN can tell her what I'm thinking and feeling, and maybe those soulful little eyes can help me figure out how to be that better man, and better than any girlfriend.